Sarah McCarten

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A letter to my married friends.

Hello! I wrote a new blog! Sorry it’s been so long! Hope you’re good!

My dear friends,

I wanted to write to you and let you know just how much I love you and to tell you how much I value your friendship. You really do mean the world to me.

I am so happy that you’ve found someone to spend your life with.

I know that our friendship has changed since you guys were married and I’m not resentful of that, but I wanted to let you know how that it has affected me. You see, sometimes I get the impression that you think you’ve had this massive upheaval and things between you and I have stayed the same, but they haven’t, but it’s not bad, it’s just different. And I am okay with that.

Before you were married, I could expect that you’d treat me as a priority, I don’t have that same expectation anymore. Your husbands and wives get that privilege, and so they should. I need to let you know that though I love you, but you’re not my priority anymore either. You see I need to spend time with people who will prioritise spending time with me too.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve been telling you less of my secrets. I just wanted to let you know that’s not because my life suddenly got boring after you got married, but that I want to honour your marriage, which means if I’m not prepared for your spouse to know my secret, I won’t tell you either. I was talking to a friend a few months ago, a good friend, and something came up in our conversation, and I said to him, I’m going to tell you something which I’m quite prepared for you to tell your wife about but I don’t want her to talk to me about it. His wife, graciously hasn’t mentioned the incident to me, or given me a knowing look of disapproval. You see if I wanted advice from your spouses, I’d ask for it. For some of you, I don’t even do that; for I know that some of your husbands and wives cannot resist giving advice, even with regard to things that are none of their concern. For others, you get offended at my not wanting to discuss my secrets with your spouses, either because you think that they and I are better friends than I do, or because you think that your husband or wife is the wisest person in the world, so why should I not want their advice. The truth is, I wanted to be friends with you, I want to know what you think, I want your advice. Your husbands and wives are great, they really are, but if I wanted to chat to them, I would, I promise.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re less available to me in all kinds of ways since you’ve been married. I want you to know that is right and wise and appropriate. However, I cannot spend my life sitting at home, I have to make new friendship, or cultivate old ones. I know that sometimes you resent these friendships, it may be an off hand comment or a sneaky look or a whisper to your husband about how you don’t see me any more. The truth is, that you don’t see me any more, I genuinely feel that your husband or wife is so big in your mind that often distorts your image of those of us around you. I know that will change, but I know that they will and ought to be the most important person in your life. I am alright with that.

There are limitations to you being married, I’m sorry that if you didn’t realise that. I really want you to know that I love you! This is not meant to be a moan or a rant but really an explanation, please take it as such.

Thanks for reading! It really does mean a lot to me! You can follow me on twitter here.