Rachel Borland is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. She and her husband John are the only people I know who make it look like having kids doesn’t totally disrupt their lives.
I’ve got two gorgeous kids aged 7 and 5, and being a parent has been a like a madcap adventure. Before me and my husband had kids, people gave us loads of advice and we really thought we were listening. But maybe we weren’t, so here are 30 things that either people didn’t tell us or we just didn’t hear.
- Child birth is nothing like they show it on TV (not even on the documentaries – it hurts a lot more than that!)
- New born babies pull some amazing faces.
- You’ll spend the first 6 months trying to get your child to burp, then the next 6 years telling them to stop.
- Your kids will always be above average in everything they do, but so will everyone else’s (work that one out).
- Sleep deprivation is far, far worse than you can ever imagine.
- Parenting is something you are basically making up as you go along.
- You will hear yourself saying things that you haven’t heard since you were a child, (in the voice of your parents).
- You’ll quickly realise that Super Nanny has never had her own kids.
- You’ll find out that baby products are outrageously expensive.
- Tellytubbies, along with most toddler television, is utterly mind numbing.
- Your kids will watch the same movie over and over again, without ever getting bored.
- Potty training is hilarious, but also quite embarrassing.
- Your kids will always be perfectly well behaved for their grandparents, even when they are a complete nightmare for you.
- Most mums will not care too much about their appearance for months, but when they rediscover it, they will dress like they’re on the cover of OK magazine.
- Once your kids start school you will begin to hate Biff, Chip, Kipper and Floppy the dog.
- Little kids bite.
- You won’t believe the places round your house that you’ll find toys.
- You’ll have locks on cabinets, locks on draws and locks on locks.
- Navigating your way through stair gates is like a Crystal Maze challenge.
- For the first 6 months, you’ll be late everywhere you go.
- Getting everything ready to leave the house is so challenging that often you’ll just stay in.
- You will wonder what you did with your time before you had kids.
- You’ll become obsessed with routine.
- You’ll choose restaurants based on their “kid friendliness” not the quality of the food.
- You’ll go on holiday and then realise it isn’t really a holiday anymore, but rather just a change of scenery.
- You will know what being busy really is.
- You’ll get cross with child-free people who claim to be tired.
- You’ll get cross with child-free people who claim to be busy.
- You’ll get cross with child-free people.
- You will probably have experienced love, but not like this – it’s a different, amazing, overwhelming, all-consuming, unconditional, beautiful, messy kind of love!
Rachel lives with her family in Scunthorpe in North Linconshire. She’s one of the most creative people that I know. And one of my best friends in the whole world.
I’m one of those child-free people who claim to be tired! And I don’t care!